URGENT Petition – I urge you to sign

Many children are being handed over by the Family Court to alleged abusers, some known to be extremely violent, some pedophiles. Concerned parents have been labeled as ‘enmeshed with the child’, ‘alienating’, ‘unfriendly’ or ‘mentally ill’ and are in turn ignored and disbelieved. They have become fearful of speaking up about abuse because they can be seen to be not fostering an ongoing relationship between the child and the abusive parent. It is these children who are being forced to have a “meaningful relationship” with abusive parents who have traumatised them, as if time spent together will erase, rather than exacerbate the child’s fears.

This has been documented by the Australian Institute of Family Studies and academics such as Professor Freda Briggs, Dr Thea Brown and Dr Elspeth McInnes.

Major concerns surround the unintended consequences of a growing number of children who have been killed by a parent after an order from the court has sent those children into the company of that parent. That children are killed by parents is horrendous – that it happens under the force of a court order is entirely unacceptable.

Richard Chisholm states in ‘The Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) report into the 2006 reforms’ that parents are consistently discouraged from raising family violence concerns due to the emphasis on facilitating the child’s relationship with the other parent.

Family Court Judges, while trained exemplary in the law, often lack foundations in dealing with children, especially those victims of family violence. There is also no legislated standard of investigations into allegations of child abuse within the Family Court nor does there exist any mechanism of accountability for decisions made within the Family Court.

Further, section 121 of the Family Law Act prevents anyone, including the media, from exposing specific details in cases that may reveal the identities of the parties involved in matters where outrageous rulings clearly show parent’s rights have outweighed the safety of children.

Evidence

‘No Way To Live’ by Dr Lesley Laing. See here: http://bit.ly/q3XlIR

Fact Sheet #3: How the fathers’ rights movement undermines the protections available to victims of violence and protects the perpetrators of violence. By Dr Michael Flood. Sociologist at the University of Wollongong. See http://bit.ly/na2jCx

Fact Sheet #1: The myth of false accusations of child abuse. See http://bit.ly/pPhVbW

Family Court Australia Journalists Call for Change. See http://bit.ly/jaXIRf

Angry men have never met a thug who wasn’t innocent. See here: http://bit.ly/qGb1Li

I leave with you a list of children and mothers who have been killed after appearing before the Family Court.

1. 1996 – January 25: Peter May shot and killed his three children, Lisa eleven, Andrew eight, and Natalie seven during a contact visit. On the same day, he also killed his wife and her parents. May’s history of domestic violence and links to the Men’s Rights Agency was commonly known and reported,

2. 1998 – October 23: After Ronald Jonkers lost custody of Aaron DeBaugy 5, Ashlee seventeen months and David seven, he poisoned them by carbon monoxide in their car on a contact visit in Perth,

3. 1999 – August: WA four young children were gassed along with their father Mark Heath after a family court dispute,

4. 2000 – Rhonda Bartley was shot dead by her ex-partner in Berri while attending a court ordered contact handover of their baby daughter,

5. 2001 – September: Mikaylah Green eleven weeks, Taylah Pringle eleven months and Jackson Merrott six, were smothered by their father on a contact visit in Sydney,

6. 2002 – Ana Hardwick 35 is strangled by her former partner after the family court granted her custody of their eleven and eight year old children,

7. 2004 – April 26: Jessie Dalton nineteen months and Patrick Dalton thirteen weeks were smothered by their separated father Jayson Dalton after a family court order gave him acre of the children while their mother recovered from his violence to her. This father was a prominent member of a father’s rights group,

8. 2008 – January 3: Christopher McEwen raped and then killed his daughter Rhiannon McEwen on Bribie Island on New Year’s Eve. The matter of the children’s residency was before the Family Court in 2004 where the father was given residency of all three children,

9. 2009 – January 29: Darcey Freeman (4) is killed when her father threw her off a bridge after a Family Court parenting consent order was made,

10. 2009 – September 2: Alexander (5) and Charlotte (6) are killed by their father after a Family Court order gave him contact supervised by a member of his own family. He took these children away from the supervision by his family member and drove them into a tree.

And… here is a link to the petition. I urge you to sign. Please click here.

Tags: child protection, child safety, children need to be heard, children's rights, family court, Family Court of Australia, family law, family law court, Family Law Legislation Amendment (Family Violence and Other Measures) Bill 2011, family law support, family law support for single parents, Family Violence Bill, fathers rights, fathers rights movement, federal magistrates court of australia, Frida Briggs, gopetition, human rights, justice, justice for children, kids-in-focus, law reforms, Leslie Laing, Michael Flood, safety for our children, single mum, single parent, singlemum, social-justice, Speak Up for Kids

Care about children’s rights ABOVE parent’s rights?

Do you care about children’s rights ABOVE parent’s rights?
YOU SHOULD.

Do you know that children have been murdered due to outrageous family court decisions in Australia?
YES THEY HAVE.

Do you think the courts and judiciary should be made more accountable for their decisions?
CURRENTLY THEY ARE NOT.

Do you think many court employees need to be educated about the long-term effects of family violence?
MANY ARE NOT TRAINED IN THIS AREA.

Do you know that children have been handed to pedophiles via family court rulings?
YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

Do you care about your children’s and Grandchildren’s rights in this country?
IF YOU HAVE A HEART, YOU SHOULD.

Did you know that due to the ‘friendly parent’ provision, if abuse allegations are raised, parents are told to be silent or risk losing more time with their children?
YES!

THEN, please sign this very important petition HERE if you have not already.

Tags: a child's voice, child protection, child safety, children need to be heard, children's rights, children-first, family court hell, Family Court of Australia, family court tips, family law court, family law petition, family law reforms, family law support, federal magistrates court of australia, human rights, justice for children, justice4children, kids-in-focus, law reforms, parent alliance, petition, safety for our children, single mum, single parent, single-parent-support, single-parents, singledad, singlemum, singleparent, social-justice, Speak Up for Kids, truth of our courts

The family friend – Stories from a child survivor

It was a stinking hot 38 degree day in Melbourne, mid January 1974. The late afternoon clouds brought no comfort to a day that had been nothing less than gruesome except for the occasional teasing cool breeze.

As the orange sun kissed the streets and the dry dusty day settled, I knew we were in a for a shocker of an evening. My little brother Stu and I were dressed in our swimmers and looked forward to getting under the sprinkler right after dinner at our babysitter’s house, as we’d been promised.

At around 4.30pm Gary arrived. We were to spend time with him while Mum and Dave had a ‘date’ night. I was looking forward to spending time with Gary – he was funny, kind, generous and I liked how he winked at me and blew kisses from under the rim of his hat. I particularly liked the crisp green two dollar bills he slipped me with a stray lagging finger across my palm, the most.

When he came to visit he often let me sit on his lap and I enjoyed his story telling and cuddles. There had been one occasion when I’d awoken to find him stroking my belly under my pajamas which I thought was odd. I didn’t think anymore of it though since he left my room the moment I woke. I never saw the need to tell anyone.

We were about to hit the road and for the first time ever, Gary let me sit in the front seat of his panel van which was a novelty since I wasn’t allowed that privilege in Mum and Dave’s car. Chuffed and feeling all grown up, I sat as tall and as proud as I could. I could barely see over the dash board but I didn’t mind.

Rod Stewart’s Maggie May enveloped us and Gary held my hand tenderly while he drove, occasionally using his knee to steer so he could take long swigs from his long neck Melbourne Bitter bottle. Life could not have been better.

After about forty minutes and almost two bottles of beer later, the engine groaned in the heat, Gary switched off the radio and we drove on in a weird, deliberate silence. Stu had fallen asleep in the back.

Suddenly, Gary leaned over and started to massage my inner thigh with his left hand. As much as I tried again and again to push and slap his hand away, he continued to rub my inner leg. I sat frozen and fearful of this man I thought I knew and out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of his foul expression. I noticed a puffy red face; bulging, bloodshot eyes; a swollen purple nose and a dreamy-like forward gaze. He looked obsessed, possessed and was now a total stranger.

His hand was large, strong, determined and rough from doing many hours of hard labour each day. With each knead of my flesh I felt a man full of strong intent and desire. His breathing was heavy and irregular. His hand seemed to have a mind and will all of its own. I was powerless. There was no way out other than to throw myself from the car. I checked the lock to see that I only needed to lift the handle and slip out – if of course he didn’t grab me in the process. I should wait until he wanted to drink again.

But it wasn’t an option – we were going much too fast.

I begged him to please stop because he was hurting me but my pleas fell on deaf ears. His obsession to self-gratify coupled with an overwhelming burning temptation was much stronger than any compassion he may still have left in his heart to keep a young girl’s innocence in tact.

He warned me firmly to ‘BE QUIET AND STILL’ but not loud enough to stir Stu. So, I sat there horrified and frozen in my seat ‘allowing’ this monster to rape me with his rough, calloused hand for the next 15 minutes as he drove on in silence through the suburbs. His eyes never left the road and I wondered whether, if he saw the horror in my eyes, he may stop. But he didn’t dare glance at me, not even once. I was purely an object of pleasure to him, not human.

As this family ‘friend’ stole away my innocence it hit me that I was a filthy, hated, putrid, disgusting, despicable little slut who deserves all that I was getting. My eyes welled with tears, my body shook in fear, my heart sank to my feet. I was eight years old.

I began to pray under my breath. ‘Dear God’ I pleaded. ‘Please PLEASE make Gary stop. Please make him stop hurting me. Please stop this nightmare. Please stop this God, please please PLEASE help me’.

Gary relaxed his hand somewhat and stopped for a few seconds only to guzzle down the rest of his second bottle of beer.

What he then did with that empty bottle sent me into serious survival mode. A rush of adrenalin burst through my core seconds before he forced the empty beer bottle between my legs and up to my vagina where he left it. I was confused as to what he was trying/wanting to do and because I didn’t want to believe he would truly hurt me with the bottle, I forced it back down to my knees, thinking (hoping) he’d made a mistake and I was imagining things. Frustrated and angry, he brought it abruptly back up as high as it would go and began to lift it up and down for the next five minutes or so until we arrived at a bottle shop.

As Gary got out of the car to purchase more beer, I had a look around the back of the pub to see if I could make a run for it. But Stu was asleep in the back seat and I figured that by the time I managed to wake him and get him out of the car and explain, surely we’d be caught and I felt the consequences would be dire. I decided against it sensing it was not wise to upset Gary. My gut told me I needed to play along to a degree because I sensed he was close to hurting me badly.

We arrived at Gary’s house and I noticed his two young children peering through the front windows. Then suddenly his wife ran out of the house and across the road. Soon we were in his territory and the will to live soared inside my heart. I was alert and now looking for an escape route. Where on earth had his wife gone? Why had she gone?

The younger children, including Stu, headed straight out the back to play, totally oblivious to my nightmare. How on earth was I going to convince Stu to run with me when he was having so much fun?

The disgusting smell of Gary lingered in every corner of his house. There were empty cigarette packets, empty beer bottles, dirty bongs and putrid dirty nappies strewn across the floor in the living room. 

It was here that Gary picked me up and made me straddle him. His stale beer and nicotine breath was warm and heavy and sickly on my cheek as he whispered in my ear that he wanted to play a game in his bed. He ran his fingers inside my swimmers a few times. I wriggled and squirmed and tried to get down but the more I fought, the more he thought it was a game so he prolonged the agony and continued.

After a very uncomfortable few minutes, Gary set me back on the floor and lead me by the hand to the backyard to another car – a fast looking black one. He towered over me in his dusty akubra, dirty grey overalls and oil-stained blundstones. Knowing that under his overalls he was naked and hard made me giggle nervously. I didn’t know what else to do and somehow, in a weird way, I thought that by giggling and pretending that I was not uncomfortable he might just go away.

No.

He pushed me into the front passenger seat of the car. I sat still and terrified yet nervously giggled again. He took my continued giggles as an invitation and so, in the front seat of his car, in his backyard, on that stinking hot evening, with my little brother and his children running around, took my hand and placed it through his unbuttoned overalls and around his sticky penis and said it was “[his] turn for a massage.”

Feeling sick with fear and with uncontrollable tears again welling, I forced myself to massage him as I sobbed. It was at this point that I felt I was going to vomit profusely and felt my mouth water and quiver in anticipation of my stomach turning. He must have seen my face go white so he withdrew my hand and said we were going to play another game. He said he would pretend to be a truck driver on his cb radio and I would pretend to be a lady truck driver called ‘Scarlet’ talking on the cb with him. He had a turn first and said he was looking for some lovely ladies to talk to.

I was calculating how long it may be until Mum turned up to collect us. I gathered we’d been gone about three hours and figured I still had another three hours at least to survive. I sensed Gary had lost all control and could actually kill me, if I ‘allowed’ him to do too much to me. My goal was to play along, prolong everything, drag out the evening and do all I could to prevent him from taking me into his bedroom.

I jumped as he slapped me across the head yelling that it was my turn, that I should now come on the radio, announce my name and say I was ‘hot and wet’. I took the cb and with my entire body and voice trembling tried to say ‘hello my name is Scarlet and I… ‘ but I couldn’t get the words out. My hands were trembling so much that I dropped the cb on the floor which angered Gary. He picked it up, threw it at me and yelled for me to ‘DO IT RIGHT’. I tried again and said ‘hi my name is Scarlet’. Gary yelled that I needed to say it in a sexy voice. I tried again but the game was sick and he was angry and I was shaking all over. I started to cry. He then dragged me into the house again and I could hear distant laughter and squeals coming from happy, carefree children in the back yard. I longed to be them. WHAT was going on?

Once inside he muttered something about his bedroom again and then offered me a cold drink (which I didn’t drink because I thought I saw him pop something into my glass before pouring the cordial in). I sat on the bar stool as still as I could yet my body trembled from top to toe and watched him skull the rest of this beer straight from the bottle. He slammed the empty bottle down on the bench top, lit a cigarette and glared at me for a long time. His eyes were like red hot steel cutting through me. I was petrified of him. I hated him. I was sure he was really going to hurt me badly. I wished his wife would come back. Where was she?

Breaking the awkward silence, I told Gary that I would like to go out and play with my brother because he wanted me to play with him too. This worked and for the next hour or so I pretended to laugh and play with the younger children as Gary watched my every move from the laundry window as he rocked back and forth for much of that time.

I had checked out the back of the yard. There were only vacant lots behind the house and if I ran very fast after getting through the barbed wire fence, I could perhaps get away, get to safety. But I couldn’t see any houses to run to and what if Gary came after me with his motorbike or car in the paddocks and ran me down? Something told me that in order to survive this, I needed to pretend I was ok, not make eye-contact with Gary, continue to be seen to be having fun, but keep my distance as best I could. That was my survival plan at this point in time.

The younger children were announcing they were hungry so Gary called us all in to eat. We scoffed down as many vegemite triangles as we could. I was desperately wanting to go to the toilet but aware that I shouldn’t allow Gary to be with me on my own. After a few more sandwiches, Stu announced that he needed to pee and I went with him. I found a nail brush in the bathroom and I desperately tried to wash Gary from my hands. I wanted to scrub my body too, scrub myself until every last piece of him was gone from deep under my skin.

After dinner Gary said we could go outside again and play. It seemed like a long time playing out the back and I didn’t see Gary watching me any more. I didn’t know where he went.

Some time later, as darkness drew near, I heard a cheerful, familiar voice. It was Mum. She was here. I ran into her arms and asked if we could go home straight away.

Mum had came back early. She sensed she had to. She knew.

She KNEW.

…..

The next day

I was scolded harshly and beaten repeatedly by Dave for having made up such a colourful story. Dave and Gary were good mates and the two men now reduced me to a very sick, very evil little girl with a wild imagination. I was grounded for two months and my favourite records were taken away – all my favourtes – Sally Boyden, Olivia, Simon & Garfunkel, Neil Diamond.

Shattered but eager for peace, eager to take the blame so that everything would be rosy again, I contemplated accepting defeat and announcing that I had made the entire story up for attention. I thought that was the only way this huge mess could be made right. So I told my Mum one morning in the kitchen that I’d made it all up, that I didn’t want Gary to be in trouble or Dave to be angry with me anymore. I told her that I was naughty and bad and didn’t deserve to be loved. I told her between sobs that I was a liar and would be better off dead.

My Mum saw through this, held me for the longest time, calmed me and then asked me for the truth.

Over the next few days she secretly prepared our getaway.

In less than 7 days Mum, Stu and I were headed for the hills, never to seen by Gary or Dave again.

……

I’ve shared this nightmare because I want people to know what life is like for a child who has been sexually abused.

I want people to know just how dirty, how frightened, how humiliated, how shameful, how disgusting, how unloved and how sick a child feels after being sexually abused – for a LONG time.

I want people to know that for a good 30 years after that horrific day I had to fight the recollections of Gary’s rough callused hands on and in my body with much strength and determination.

I want people to know that I showered up to three times per day for a long time in an attempt to scrub Gary away. My skin was left red and raw after each 30 minute shower and yet at the end of each day ‘he’ still remained on and in me.

I want people to know that I wanted to take my own life due to so much guilt and shame. I blamed myself for what happened that day, as all children do who have been sexually abused. Children believe it is their giggles, their smile, their pretty locks, their face, their body, their trusting nature, their kind words, THEIR FAULT! I felt entirely to blame for all of Gary’s actions.

I want people to know that the pureness that once was, once stripped away, can NEVER be restored. Once the lights are out, THEY’RE OUT!

I want people to know that for a very long time I felt that NOBODY cared, the world was oblivious to my torment, my reality, my pain.

I want people to know that for a long time I drank a lot of booze, screamed, hit out, hurt myself and gave my body away to strangers because I did not care about me anymore. I was dirt in my eyes.

I want people to know that there is still an ongoing struggle to normalise day to day life, relationships, to make sense of love, touch, intimacy. To trust.

I want people to know that Gary had been grooming me and my entire family for months prior to that day. It came out years later after talks with my Mother and a therapist that he’d probably followed me home from a friend’s house, noticed that roof maintenance was required so approached Dave to see if he could ‘lend a helping hand’ to get it fixed for ‘a few beers’. Dave agreed since Gary’s rates were great and he seemed to know what he was talking about. Gary then managed to pick up other handyman jobs about the property – he even erected a granny flat out he back (where he and I became ‘friends’), fixed the back fence, attended to plumbing problems – all the time building a relationship with me and my family, long before he offered to babysit, first in our own home and later at his house.

I want people to know that despite all of the above, I forgive Gary. I had to in order to move on. Had to release the hate in my heart.

I want people to know that I do not know where Gary is, he was never found, I never went looking, he was never convicted. If he were, I am sure that he may get a light sentence as most pedophiles do, no more than 12 months, if that.

I want people to know that  I have spent 20 years in and ~$40,000 on therapy and a further $5,000 in medication recovering from this (and other similar) ordeals. That’s a lot to pay for being a victim. Pedophiles when (if) convicted today may pay a miniscule percentage of what victims do for their crimes. So not only are victims suffering from the ordeal itself, they also keep on paying, in many ways for being abused. Do you this is wrong and twisted?

So, tell me, where is the incentive for pedophiles to stop destroying children’s lives?

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Tags: family law support, single parent, children's rights, Speak Up for Kids, child protection, Family Law Legislation Amendment (Family Violence and Other Measures) Bill 2011, Family Violence Bill, law reforms, pedophile, justice 4 chilren, chilren's rights, parental obligation, mother's intuition, keep our kids safe, rape, child abuse, human rights, family law information, convicted pedophiles, children need to be heard, pedofile, pedofilia, pedophilia, long term effects of child abuse, DOCS, a family friend, coaching, grooming, violate, adult survivors of sexual abuse, family violence

Senate Committee endorses Government’s Family Law Reforms

PRESS RELEASE

Robert McClelland posted Monday, 22 August 2011

Attorney-General Robert McClelland today welcomed the Senate Committee of Legal and Constitutional Affairs’ endorsement of the Gillard Government’s reforms to the family law system.

The Committee’s response to the Government’s Family Law Legislation Amendment (Family Violence and Other Measures) Bill 2011 was tabled in the Senate this evening.

“The Government introduced this Bill to create a safer and fairer family law system and prioritise the safety of children,” Mr McClelland said.

“This legislation will significantly improve the protections in place to ensure the safety of children in the family law system.

“The Bill isn’t about the rights of men’s groups or women’s groups – it’s about prioritising the safety of children and ensuring violence is reported and addressed.

“I am very pleased the Committee has recommended the Senate pass the Bill, subject to some technical recommendations, which the Government will give consideration to.”

The Family Violence Bill amends the Family Law Act 1975 by:

• prioritising the safety of children;
• changing the meaning of ‘family violence’ and ‘abuse’ to better capture harmful behaviour;
• strengthening the obligations of lawyers, family dispute resolution practitioners, family consultants and family counsellors to prioritise the safety of children;
• ensuring courts have better access to evidence of family violence and abuse; and
• making it easier for state and territory child protection authorities to participate in family law proceedings where appropriate.

“These reforms address a growing body of evidence which shows that family violence and child abuse pose a real and prevalent danger to children and the quality of their lives and development,” Mr McClelland said.

“Public submissions to the Committee were consistent with the widespread community support for the Bill when it was released for comment last year.

“During this consultation, more than 400 submissions were made – a total of 73 per cent of respondents expressed support for the measures and a further 10 per cent made no specific comment on the Bill but offered information about personal experiences.”

The Committee’s report is available online at this address: http://www.aph.gov.au/Senate/committee/legcon_ctte/family_law_familyviolence/index.htm

Tags: Attorney General, Australia, australian law reforms, Bill, Canberra, child protection, child safety, children's rights, children-first, court-support, Family Court of Australia, family law, Family Law Act 1975, family law court, Family Law Legislation Amendment (Family Violence and Other Measures) Bill 2011, family law support australia, Family Violence Bill, federal magistrates court of australia, Julia Gillard, justice, justice for children, kids-in-focus, law reforms, mother, Prime Minister, prioritising the safety of children, reforms, Robert McClelland, safety for our children, single mum, single parent, single-parent-support, single-parents, singlemum, wordpress

Remove the greed remove the will

I remember placing a motorbike on ebay once for $5.00 and saw no bids. Sure the bike was old, out of rego, well-ridden but was otherwise mechanically sound and ran well. It was a yamaha after all. As soon as I put the price up to $50.00 the bids rolled in and the bike sold for $250.00. Remove the dollar factor from anything and see the drive, passion, desire, will for it soon diminish – that’s human nature for you and a fact of life.

Seeing some of the big bucks parents throw at their cases (some willingly, some reluctantly) instead spent on a minimum of 3-6 months mandatory intensive therapy with a psychiatrist (not a psychologist for many reasons explained below) for both parents and all children would be money much more wisely spent, I believe. This positive step would need to be included immediately before the current compulsory family dispute resolution ‘mediation’ session simply because two parents – one often highly emotional and fearful (understandably) and one often angry/controlling/abusive, facing family court can’t be expected to and often just cannot communicate effectively in a mediation session without first having had some help. The mere fact that one parent or both are prepared to fight tooth and nail for the rights and safety of their child/ren tells me that they are going to first need validation, support, understanding from the right professional equipped with many years experience in the family violence field.

Then and only then could the certificate be acquired to then head into court if the desire was still there. IF THE DESIRE WAS STILL THERE!

Why do we continue to allow MEGA dollars to thickly line the pockets of those now running the big business of family court? One that grows more nasty, more money-driven, more corrupt, more off track year after year? This is absolutely ridiculous. This new step would simply be taking the ‘mediation’ process further – much further. Those with little money, after a means test, could use these services for free or at a subsidized rate. The dollars – formally siphoned to money-hungry, power-driven crooked solicitors and other hired-guns of the court would therefore be used in a more effective, proactive, healthy, child-focused, sensible manner. Bottom line ‘the solicitor is the only winner’ will no longer ring true. A big win/win for all parties, particularly the dear children. Did you know that a psychiatrist and a lawyer charge similar rates by the hour? Indeed.

Including this new step of equipping families with some healthy insights/tools/strategies/encouragement/support, would, I believe, prove phenomenal in helping them cope with an already HIGHLY charged situation (breakdown of the family, family violence, child-litigation, threats of war and court) but also equip them with strategies in which to move forward, deal with issues, deepen understanding, manage anger and trauma, appropriate actions, investigate healthy coping strategies, develop better communication skills etc.

With an introduction of this step we would see a natural progression of the following positive outcomes (in no particular order):

1. Less families (particularly the perpetrators of abuse) would be likely to take the family court road if they were told they MUST have this 3-6 months of therapy BEFORE they can take matters to court – saving parents (and their families) as well as the government billions of dollars per year.
2. Less families would be likely to want to fight and win the war since they would no longer be conned/spurred/encouraged by solicitors to fight until they were black/blue, crushed and out of cash.
3. Family law would in turn become less lucrative therefore less nasty and less attractive.
4. Family member’s REAL issues would be dealt with immediately – all would have the chance to be heard – including and especially the children (this currently does not happen with children of all ages int he family court). ALL would be given a voice and respected.
5. The true perpetrators and abusive parties would come to light early in the process and could be diagnosed, treated and care plans implemented – a necessity and extremely helpful for the sakes of victims of abuse – particularly tender, innocent, sensitive children.
6. Family members would ultimately become better communicators.
7. Families would learn to better assert themselves, say ‘no’ in caring ways, set healthy boundaries and stick to them.
8. Families would learn the full nature of abuse – in all its forms, and the need to break the vicious cycle of abuse.
9. Family members can be taught skills to truly SEE where they are hurting others – to deal with their own underlying issues (often blind to perpetrators of abuse) in order to maintain healthier relationships – benefiting the family, themselves, society as a whole.

For this 3-6 months of therapy (possibly longer), the psychiatrist would decide where the children reside and how/when they spend time with which parent (supervised or not). With a deep understanding of family violence, the psychiatrist would ensure the children are kept safe. Reports would be written by the psychiatrist at regular intervals and a final report would be presented to the court (similar to today’s procedure) giving much weight to the Judge/Magistrate’s decision for final orders. The psychiatrist should also be made accountable and be assessed annually by another psychiatrist specialising in the same field in order to maintain professionalism, transparency, neutrality, fairness at all times.

A parent who refuses this therapy would lose access entirely of course. After all, a parent with nothing to hide will have nothing to lose and convincing the psychiatrist that they are a loving, child-focused parent should not be difficult. No art-degree trained psychologist can diagnose a disorder and this is why it is imperative that the therapy be undertaken by a psychiatrist only. The protective parent should not be put on trial (as is currently the case) and normal anxiety and upset (tremor, tears, sadness, fear) brought on by the current situation (family breakdown, family violence, litigation, fears for the safety of the children, threats of court or worse – threats to kill the family) should not be ‘used’ against a parent. That would make this process counter-productive, highlighting the protective parent as the abusive parent rather than the true abusive parent.

I am quite sure that after just a few sessions with an independent key psychiatrist (NOT court-assigned but to be agreed to by both parties), pressing decisions about spending time with children can begin to be made and the true personalities of BOTH parents would be made clear. Those parents not agreeing to this step would lose their right to continue with the process, lose their right to spend time with the child/ren and their right to take matters further (i.e. to court) for a good 5 years or longer since they have been deemed to be ‘unreasonable and uncooperative’.

The current system with protective parents being assessed by one-sided court-assigned forensic ‘experts’ isn’t working because these experts are biased and solely interested in dollars not in finding a conclusion/outcome that is just and in the best interests of the children – they are time and time again forming conclusions that are bearing much weight at final hearing, that fall in line with what they know the court/Judge/Magistrate would like. Such conclusions keep them drinking fine wine and driving fancy cars. Such decisions are not in the best interests of the children.

This therapy, regardless of who appears to be “mentally ill”, “controlling”, “enmeshed with the child”, “alienating”, “narcissistic” etc. on the surface should be intense – weekly or bi-weekly, and undertaken only with a psychiatrist (not a psychologist) who has a STRONG knowledge of its long-term effects and many years experience working with family violence perpetrators and victims. Only a qualified and experienced psychiatrist can fill this role because it will take only a qualified and experienced psychiatrist to recognise, diagnose, treat and put proactive measures into place to assist both perpetrator and victim. All matters of parental alienation, toxic behaviour, coercion, lies, bullying, torment, harassment, violence, abuse would be swiftly identified and dealt with. Ongoing therapy after the initial period could be deemed necessary in some cases. In cases where there is no diagnosis to be made, where parents are communicating well, where no family violence is apparent, these families may only require the minimum three months therapy and no longer. My guess is most will see it to six months+.

Taking the avaricious ‘AUD11,000+ per family report for some (I DO NOT JOKE) and literally hundreds of thousands of dollars spent per family on court costs’ element out of the equation and pumping that sort of funding into intensive therapy for families would provide a swifter, fairer, realistic, child-focused, humane outcome logic tells me. It is the dollars that keep the family court in business after all. Not knowledge.

Further, let’s think of our poor Federal Magistrates and Judges. We all know they are mega-stressed coping with hundreds of cases per month, grossly overworked, underpaid, poorly-pensioned and so out of touch with the long-term effects of family violence. They really do need a break.

Remove the greed – remove the will.

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Copyright © 2011 Family Law Support Australia. All rights reserved. No copying of posts/comments in full or in part is permitted without the written consent of the writer.

Disclaimer The Family Law Support Australia site provides general information only and is not provided as legal advice per se. Please always seek legal advice from a lawyer and medical advice from a Doctor.

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The Affidavit – it’s not a dirty word

The word ‘affidavit’ conjured up much torment, blinding migraines, confusion, long sleepless nights, hours of tedious typing and indecipherable legal jargon. Just the thought of putting one together put my head in a spin.

It is actually not anywhere near as scary as it looks. It’s just a scary looking word that’s all.

Wiki says…
An affidavit is a formal sworn statement of fact, signed by the author, who is called the affiant or deponent, and witnessed as to the authenticity of the deponent’s signature by a taker of oaths, such as a notary public, JP, lawyer or commissioner of oaths. The name is Medieval Latin for he has declared upon oath.

Don’t ever be impressed by a busy-looking-know-it-all lawyer fluffing around with a too-big-a-bunch of multi-coloured manilla folders under his/her arm again. If Legal Aid pull the pin or your lawyer is doing very little to help you, why not have a go yourself.

Step 1: Keeping a diary
As soon as problems begin, a diary should be kept and updated regularly. This will assist you in compiling a chronology later for your affidavit. You could back it up by sending it to yourself as an email regularly. If created in Word, lock it with a password (so no-one can open it). It only takes ten minutes or so each evening after the children are in bed to log events that occurred during the day.

What to include in the diary (to assist in building a sharp affidavit later):

1. Date
2. Time of event/s
3. Location of event/s
4. What was said/done.
5. All torment, abuse, fear, broken promises, coercion, provocation, stalking, AVO/DVO information, police involvement, violence, bullying (a true picture of the abusive is necessary)
6. Include all contravention and breaches of current court orders.
7. Details of eye-witnesses present. Ask them at the time (not later) whether they will lodge an affidavit and attend court if need be. Get phone numbers/email addresses etc.
8. He said/she said type writing is ok at this stage
9. As it is just a diary currently so emotion and other, ‘strong’ wording is ok at this point in time (it is your diary after all)
10. It can be doubled as a venting exercise which is highly effective and therapeutic in releasing frustration and pent up feelings of hurt, anger etc.
11. At this point in time, just bang it all out on the keyboard. It doesn’t need to be a ‘perfect’ affidavit right now. You may not even need to use it but you do need to keep this all important record in case you require the facts and details later for your affidavit. Do not rely on memory of events/dates/times/details, particularly if stressed or tired. You will not remember all the important/relevant information later.

Step 2: About the affidavit
The most effective way of furnishing facts to a court is by way of affidavit.

1. Affidavits are a straightforward way to provide evidence to the court.
2. Affidavits are sworn statements as to facts and it is important that your affidavit is correct, relevant to your proceedings and informative, as it will be utilised as evidence in your matter.
3. Affidavits need to by typed and not hand written.
4. An affidavit should be in numbered separate paragraphs that provide support for the orders that you have asked the court to make in your proceedings.
5. The should not be:
   - Of an unreasonably long length (they should be indicative of complexity)
   - Unnecessary with regard to the proceedings (they should be relevant)
   - Not based on speculation (facts only)
   - Of little or no relevance
   - Prepared at the last minute (this is why the diary is so important because when it comes time to write the affidavit, you have all the information on hand)
   - Argumentative (it’s not an essay)
   - based on hearsay
   - lacking weaknesses in the case
   - full of lies or exaggerations (there should be none)
   - opinionated
   - long-winded (no waffling)
   - humorous (a Judge will not be moved by wit)
   - summarising or drawing on conclusions
   - Negative about the other party (the court wants only facts)
   - Fictional
   - Full of emotion or dramatisation

Step 3: Compiling the affidavit

1. Start deleting all the emotion from your diary and save it as a new file – this is your chronology.
2. Separate each point into its own paragraph and number them from 1 onwards
3. Insert a ‘contents page’ at the start if there are quite a few pages plus annexures
4. Insert the following into your affidavit, before and after the chronology and contents page. It should look like this:
   - Cover page
   - Contents page
   - List of annexures
   - Introduction
   - Chronology
   -Background
   - Previous Applications
   - Current Parenting Order
   - Employment
   - Accommodation
   - Education
   - Schooling arrangements etc.
   - Jurat clause (the last page where you sign signed before a witness)

The courts are increasingly frustrated when affidavits are filled with emotion and story-telling, yet fail to adequately address the relevant evidence that the court requires.

The final step to complete an affidavit is to sign the bottom of each page in front of a a lawyer, an authorised person or a JP – and sign the Jurat clause. This is done in order to swear or affirm that the information in your affidavit is true and correct.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, “Feeeeees!”

You can find more info HERE under Affidavit Information.

Copyright © 2011 Family Law Support Australia. All rights reserved.

Disclaimer: The Family Law Support Australia site provides general information only and is not provided as legal advice. You should contact a lawyer if you have a legal issue regarding preparation of affidavit materials  in a Family Law Court proceedings.

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The Family Report Writing Session

Attitude is everything!

Be refreshed
Make sure to get to sleep early the night before so you are alert and not anxious. Do not drink alcohol the night before. YOU want to be the very BEST you can be in the session (for your child/ren’s sakes). I would recommend not drinking umpteen coffees, if any, in the morning as this could put you on edge, particularly if you are already a little nervous about the meeting. Take a glass of water into the session with you if you can.

Dress the part
Dress like the caring professional Mum that you are – try not to ‘out-do’ the report writer. i.e. if she is dressed in black pants and a blouse and you turn up in a $300 woolen suit, she may feel out-powered. Just dress neatly and professionally. No thongs, no tank tops, there is no need to show off the new dragon tattoo on your left shoulder. Limit the makeup and jewelry, but of course be YOU – the beautiful, caring, loving, humble, understanding, in-tune, intelligent, alert, ‘only human’ Mum that you are. You are being judged to an extent so you want to make a very good first impression.

Body language + introductions
Smile, shake hands gently and introduce yourself. As you would with a magistrate, retain eye-contact – this shows honesty and integrity.  Think of the meeting as a job interview. How you would act and present yourself if you were being interviewed for a senior role at a child care facility? You would want to appear smart, motherly, child focused, alert, knowledgeable, secure.

Speak clearly and lovingly.

Smile.

Sell yourself
No need to enter into a big bragging session but throw into the conversation certain things about yourself that make you stand out as a great Mum and/or person. For example, perhaps you sponsor a child through Compassion Australia or umpire the local netball team. You could be on the parent committee at the preschool or run a mothers group. You may be on the crèche roster at Church or perhaps you make and serve soup to homeless people once/month. Just mention these things if you can. Throw them into the conversation.

You may also have some great references you could bring along about your character/mothering skills from work, your therapist, Doctor, Church Minister, Police Officer. The writer may not use or take them but they will take heed. References are also great to use as support documentation with your affidavit for court down the track.

Try to remember to refer to the children as ‘our’ children, not ‘my’ children.

Keep smiling.

Negative speak
I cannot express just how imperative it is that Mums DO NOT say ANYTHING bad about the Father of their children (no denigration, swearing, put downs etc.) during the report writing session because that is what the report writer’s will be fishing for. They will throw questions at you that can trigger strong emotion in you or push your buttons but you must not react.

Although it may be a psychologist you could be seeing (some psychologists are commissioned to do report writing for the courts), do not use this session to release any pent up anger, frustrations, upset, rage. These emotions should be dealt with before/after this session with a professional. 

Family report writers (and the general public) have heard (falsely) for a long time that many Mums try to prevent the children from seeing their Dads without good reason and/or that mothers make countless false allegations. We know that matters that end up in family court usually end up there for good reason – because there usually ARE safety concerns – that’s why those matters end up in family court. Where there are no safety concerns, those matters don’t go to court and are resolved out of the courts with mediation.

By the time parents land in a report writer’s office, the writers themselves are almost expecting to hear negative Dad ‘speak’ from Mothers, particularly if there has been a history of family violence, AVO’s etc.. It’s a natural course of action. Don’t go there with the negative talk at all. Surprise them. Do not appear Anti-Dad in any way – even if you despise the man who has done much damage and caused you and/or your children incredible sorrow and torment. Now is not the time for payback. Pull yourself up if you start. I KNOW this can be a very BIG ask for some Mums – particularly when they’ve been screaming hell for leather that their children are at grave risk and no-one appears to be listening (even more so if they have evidence and proof). It is all to easy to let it all out at the report writing session. Don’t throw caution to the wind. Save the venting for your best friends/therapist/Mum etc. Do not buy into the ‘sympathetic’ character of the report writer. The are not sympathetic to Mothers.

Keep smiling.

Remain Calm
You must instead remain calm, take a deep breath or two, pause if you need to, smile, speak of your concerns briefly and honestly (as you must not hide them), don’t go on and on and on about them or your behaviour will be given more focus in the report than your concerns. That will not be a good outcome for you, or your children (most importantly your children) and can lead to further assessments that you do not need – believe me.

You or your lawyer will get the opportunity to cross-examine at the final hearing where you also get to present all your evidence. You do not need to try to ‘make’ the report writer ‘see’. She/he may appear empathetic but they are not – they are child-focused to a T. Unfortunately your idea of ‘child-focused’ and hers/his may differ based on your reality. The family report writer’s reality is based on what the Act states about the best interests of children.

You can pause before you answer questions if you need to. That shows that you are thinking and caring about your answers.

Set the atmosphere + beware
Continue to smile. Try not to get upset or be too intense. It is good to mention you believe that ‘children need both parents’ – this goes a VERY long way as far as what the report writer will think of you. It will set a good tone and put the report writer’s mind at ease. This may be VERY hard to do though I understand. Some Mums may not physically be able to bring themselves to say that their children need both parents if the father of their children has been violent or extremely volatile and abusive. You cannot be expected to say that if that is the case.

Keep smiling.

Safety concerns
If there are safety concerns for the children, you of course MUST state those concerns (this is YOUR chance) but it is a good idea to put emphasis on the importance for children to have a meaningful relationship with both parents (in a perfect world). Say it as the Family Law Act says it and you’ll look smart and knowledgeable and most importantly, child-focused, not parent-focused. Much of what you do will be analyzed and examined for the courts. Remember, you are trying to counter what some currently think of Mothers, not support those negative views further.

Don’t forget to have a drink.

Shared Parental Responsibility and high conflict
If there continues to be high conflict between you and the father, then shared parental responsibility will most likely not be handed down at final hearing. It is still possible to mention that ‘it would be wonderful if ‘our’ (always say ‘our’ not ‘my’) children could have a great relationship with their Dad but we continue to have conflict… etc. Something like that.

Relax + do not worry
The report writer is also ‘only human’. She/he may have some pre-conceived ideas about some things but your attitude can change his/her personal views in a flash. Just be the professional, great Mum that you are. Remember, the family report has HUGE weight at final hearing. Magistrates depend on it heavily – it’s all they have!! There was as time when these reports were done in-house – by employees of the courts. It is good that they are now offered by independent consultants.

Most importantly, be honest, be you, be the loving Mum that you are.

We’ve based the above information on a number of Mum’s experiences during the family report writing session, experiences by children and advice given prior to the sessions on body language, what to/not to say by psychiatrists and child-focused professionals.

You are allowed to have a copy of the report. Do not be bullied into thinking you can’t. A few Mums have been told that their solicitors would receive it but they were not allowed a copy – that it was for the Magistrate. This is false information. Request a copy be sent to you at the end of the session. If you are self-representing you will be sent a copy in the post.

To locate family law support groups in your area, click HERE.

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Please note all that is written on this site is NOT ‘advice’ per se.

Copyright © 2011 Family Law Support Australia. All rights reserved.

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